Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided
by TheLegendOfSwords
Summary: A nonsensical parody where an overly manly Adam Jensen kills bad guys (and sometimes innocents) with over the top violence and unconventional methods. Needless to say, you may not be able to take Adam seriously ever again.
1. Chapter 1: The Cleansing

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 1: The Cleansing**

Adam Jensen made his subtle approach to the guestroom by swinging his robotic fist at the door and smashing it into a million splinters, startling the people on the other side and even making some of them piss their pants. He made it just in time to stop Brown and his guests from drinking poisoned wine. Soon he would be the hero that London deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

"What is the meaning of this?" asked Brown.

"Don't drink that!" said Adam in his usual gruff voice that was the result of smoking too many cigarettes. "It's been poisoned by bad guys!"

Brown lowered his head and stared at his glass. "Well if a random stranger says its poisoned, then I suppose it must be true."

All his guests nodded in agreement.

Adam seized the glass from him. "Here. Let me handle this. I've got an advanced filtration system that should allow me expel all the harmful fluids and restore this wine to its original state."

Brown opened his mouth, intending to voice a protest, but no words came out. Adam's social enhancer augment told him it was because Brown was too much of a beta male cuck to speak up for himself. Adam himself, however, was nothing like this at all. No, he was totally an alpha and he didn't owe any of his manliness to augmentations in any way whatsoever.

Adam put the glass to his lips, poured the wine into his mouth, and swished it around. He even gargled it several times. Despite the filtration process, it was likely that the wine would absorb all the plague that had accumulated on his teeth during the prolonged period of time he spent neglecting his oral hygiene on missions. It especially didn't help that he exclusively ate Crunchy Pirate cereal, soy food, and chocolate coated batteries advertised as Cyberboost Proenergy Bars. But hey, whatever Brown didn't know wouldn't hurt him, just like whatever society didn't know about the Illuminati's hidden influence wouldn't hurt them.

The alcoholic contents of the wine started to burn on Adam's tongue and he spat most of the wine back into the glass, though a decent amount of it spilled over the rim and a long gob of saliva slowly dripped down into it, which he tried in vain to fish out with his grimy robotic fingers.

"Uh, sir," said Brown, tentatively.

"No, I can do this," said Adam. "My HUD says the process is 50% complete. When I'm finished, you will be able to drink your precious wine."

He poured the wine back into his mouth and gargled it again, though this time he accidently swallowed some of it. The poison reached his stomach and immediately after he spat the wine back into the glass and then retched his entire stomach's contents into it. The yellow chunk filled vomit and wine mixed together, spilled over the rim, and splattered onto the floor.

"Ye gods!" said Brown, pulling at his hair. "Now look what you've done!"

"It's no problem," said Adam. "There should still be enough wine left for me to salvage."

Brown's face distorted into a scowl and he seized the glass away from Adam. Turns out he wasn't a total beta after all. "Or, maybe instead of making things more complicated than they need to be, we can just dispose of the wine, like so." He threw his glass to the floor and it shattered with a dainty chink.

The rest of the guests proceeded to follow his example, save for the one odd fellow in the back, who broke off the top of his glass and then stabbed himself in the neck just to see his own blood spew forth in a red shower. Just your average everyday videogame occurrence. Nothing unusual to see here.

Adam pointed a robotic finger at Brown. "You've made a grave mistake! Now you have invoked the wrath of HIM!"

"Stop playing the pronoun game with me. Who is this HIM?"

One of the room's doors opened and a muscular bald man with white clothes stepped forward and then stood in place with his arms crossed, invoking the traditional Gainax pose.

It was Mr. Clean, but he wasn't smiling anymore.

He was pissed off.

"I've tried to make the world a better place through my cleaning efforts, and all you people ever do is soil my work!"

Adam rolled his robotic eyes. "Sorry for triggering your OCD."

"I am not OCD! My endeavors are for the best of mankind!"

"You say that, but your method of cleansing involves harmful chemicals. Seems more like ethnic cleansing if you ask me."

Mr. Clean lowered his head. "So you've figured it out."

"You are the one responsible for the poison, aren't you?"

Mr. Clean raised his head back and grinned the most sinister of grins. "Yes! It is true! I wish to cleanse this world of the human race so that it may be clean once and for all!" He held out his hands and a sponge slid out of each of his sleeves and into his hands. "But first things first! I'm going to wipe that stupid look off your face!" He came at Adam, swinging the sponges around aggressively in circular cleaning motions.

Adam rolled his eyes and sighed. He held out his arms. They split apart and his nanoblades ejected forth in all of their awesome edgelord glory. (Though to be fair, I prefer the dragontooth sword from the original Deus Ex.)

Before the sponges came dangerously close to ruining Adam's perfect man-face, he jabbed his blades into the sponges and threw them violently to the ground with a wet smack. "SpongeBob's offspring won't save you now!"

He then retracted the blade on his right arm. "Hickory dickory dock, I've come to punch your cock!" He swung his fist at Mr. Clean's crotch. It made impact with a loud thump and a squawking rooster leapt out from his pants, having materialized from seemingly nowhere, and flew out of a window that just so happened to be left open for this particular occasion, leaving a trail of feathers in its wake. (Yeah, 'cock' didn't mean what you thought. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Mr. Clean's mouth fell open. "I swear. I have no idea where that bird came from."

"You will have no idea where my bird came from either," said Adam, and then he opened his mouth wider than what should've been humanly possible, almost as if he had dislocated his jaw, and an automated cuckoo bird of antique origins sprang forth on an extending scissor mechanism.

The bird's beak hit Mr. Clean on his stupid shiny head with such great force that he flew backwards across the length of the room and his eyeballs popped out of his head, suspended by optic nerves stretched to their maximum length. He landed on his back and his eyeballs bungeed back into his skull, but their momentum was so powerful that his head imploded like a smashed pumpkin, producing a burst so loud it sounded like every balloon in the world had popped at once.

Even the world lagged to a single frame per second for the duration of the event, unable to process this information at full capacity. (Yes, lag can exist in fanfiction, too. Deal with it.)

Once the bird retracted back into Adam's mouth, he said: "What's the matter? Cant clean up after yourself?"

Almost as if in defiance of Adam's words, Mr. Clean's corpse dematerialized into a smokeless fire entity and coalesced into a spray bottle of Mr. Clean's Multi-Purpose Cleaning Spray resting on a glass table. It had probably been left behind by a really damn lazy maid who would probably be fired soon for not being elitist enough in her entry level job.

Adam picked up the bottle. "I should've known. Mr. Clean was a genie working for the Illuminati's occult division this whole time."

"Oh geez, that's not ridiculous at all," said Brown, sarcastically. "I mean what's next? Alien greys? Transgenic mutants? A machine god?"

All the guests fell silent. Somehow what he had said came across as awfully prophetic.

"Come on now. What kind of message am I supposed to take back from all of this?"

Adam brought up his text prompt augment and began reading the speech he had prepared for this very particular moment. "Mr. Clean took his cleaning obsession to the point where he wanted to cleanse humanity from the Earth. That may seem extreme by most people's standards, but the truth is that everyone has one prejudice or another. People will judge each other based on differences alone and see them as some dirty thing that needs to be rid of, but in reality, dirt is actually beneficial to the immune system. In this same way, if we unite with other people, regardless of their differences, we will become stronger altogether."

Brown scratched his head. "So what is your point exactly?"

Adam's glasses slid back together over his eyes. "Just let all the augmented people live in peace, or I will kill you and your family."

"Okay," said Brown, submissively.

An explosion went off in the distance. Adam paid it no attention. At the moment, he needed to stop Marchenko from blowing up some residential homes.


	2. Chapter 2: Attack of the Killer Nuns

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 2: Attack of the Killer Nuns**

Adam Jensen left the convention building and headed in the general direction of where he guessed the soon-to-be blown to smithereens residential homes were located. Unfortunately for him, however, every road he came across was blocked by a giant cube with a silhouette of a rooster printed on them. Of course, it was the most well known and most notorious obstacle of the Deus Ex franchise.

The dreaded rooster cube!

The only place not blocked by one of these geometrical abominations was a spiky cathedral like something out an edgelord's wildest dream, or Bloodborne, which is basically the same thing but with masochists taken into account.

Adam figured he may as well intrude this holy sanctum and see if it had a backdoor leading to onto the street he was looking for. If not, it would at least be worth it to steal some holy artifacts to help him make some money on the black market.

Prior generations had pissed so much money down the drain greenlighting Michael Bay's Transformers movies. That's why Adam resorted to such desperate measures to steal people's crap, because the economy of the future was just that bad.

If not for his dependence on stolen wealth, he would have to live in a crowded house occupied by multiple families working their asses off to pay off an exorbitant rent. Basically it would be like Too Many Cooks, but you know, in a cyberpunk future, and thus naturally much more depressing, but on the bright side, the body count would be significantly lower, and they would all be suicides instead of murders committed by a creepy cannibal.

Adam approached the entrance of the cathedral where a hairy hobo sat reclined against the locked doors, holding a cardboard sign that said: "I don't need money. I'm just starved for attention, ya'll."

Adam would've punched the door down as was his usual approach in stealth tactics, but his battery power wasn't fully charged and he didn't have the patience to wait for it to replenish. Sure, he could've eaten a Cyberboost Proenergy Bar to restore his power, but he wasn't sure his sensitive teeth could take any more of them, as they were just chocolate coated batteries, and batteries, as it turned out, were not made to be eaten. Who would've guessed?

Without any other options left, he pulled a GEP gun out of his ass and fired a rocket at the door, blowing it into splinters, but also inexplicably blowing the hobo into meat splinters as well, sending his bankrupt soul screaming and hurtling to hobo heaven where he would meet hobo Odin from a deleted scene of Thor Ragnarok.

Back when Adam was a wimp of a mortal, he probably would've suffered from a lifelong existential crisis and PTSD from committing this egregious sin, but now that he was a cyborg he transcended humanity and their obsolete morality. Besides, it's not like cyborgs were going to Heaven, so he may as well not bother trying to be a good person.

"I didn't ask for any of this," Adam muttered, his voice still as gruff as ever. "I was made this way."

He proceeded forth into the cathedral, its inner sanctum illuminated by light shining through the stained glass windows, casting hues of varying colors across every surface like the lights of a hipster rave party frozen in time.

The biggest stained glass window at the back of the cathedral was actually the stained glass demon from the PS1 game MediEvil merely disguised as a window. It wouldn't awaken because Adam hadn't released its soul from a glass heart in the basement, but he didn't feel like having a crossover or meeting any basement dwelling millennials today, so he ignored that sidequest and focused on the primary objective.

Nobody occupied the pews as he passed them, save for a couple of mudokons from Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee, who sat with their legs crossed, eyes closed and heads bobbing up and down as they chanted, sparkles of seizure inducing light dancing around their stupid ponytailed heads. Their chanting, however, was in vain, since there were no sligs to possess, and the church in general forbade demonic possession. Thus the mudokons remained in a samsara of never-ending chants that is still ongoing even to this day.

As he neared the podium, the backdoors opened and an army of nuns stepped forth in a procession as eerie as the Deacons of the Deep from Dark Souls III. They arranged themselves in a row and the nun in the middle, who Adam assumed to be the leader, stepped forward.

"Adam Jensen," said the nun leader, making sure that she sounded as sophisticated as humanly possible. Her name was probably some boring name that made it sound like the person in question was born as an elderly person and had no childhood. "You are very much like Adam of the Bible. You will lead all of mankind into a false enlightenment if you are not dealt with extreme prejudice."

Adam shrugged. "Give me a break. I'm just passing through."

"Yes, a lot of so-called followers are also passing through a figurative cathedral we call life, but I assure you that the residential homes you seek on the other side are nothing but a burning hell, and the deaths of these innocent people is all your fault, naturally. I mean, who else are we going to blame? Marchenko? Unlikely."

"I don't believe it anymore than I believe in the existence of leprechauns!" Adam spat. "I will have no more of your nunsense!"

"Then you will die a slow and painful death, because no one will bother to save you, just like Microsoft didn't bother to save Windows Vista!" From her back, she pulled off an enormous gothic battleaxe with a hellish skull engraved on the flat of the blade. It looked like it should've came from a Hexen game rather than a Deus Ex game, but it was a nice change of pace nonetheless.

She swung the axe around like a highlander swinging around a hammer for a hammer toss, all the meanwhile producing a battle cry that sounded more like Tarja Turunen's operatic vocals from Nightwish. (You know, back when Nightwish was actually good, or so says the purists.)

Before the axe came into contact with Adam's Adam's apple, he caught the axe's blade between his palms. "I wanna axe you a question." He pulled the axe free from the nun's greedy grasp and tossed it aside. He would later trade the axe to Axe Cop, who would make great use of it fighting evil vampires for a single occasion. In exchange, Axe Cop would give him $5.00, which was actually worth a lot in this future's crippling economy.

Adam proceeded to punch the nun so hard her astral form flew out of her body and Doctor Strange's astral form flew in and sliced her in half ironically with the Axe of Angarruumus, white ghost blood spurting from the two halves of her cleanly sliced ghost body. (I know Doctor Strange is usually a pacifist, but let's just use our imagination and say that he was going through a bad phase at this point in his life.)

"Send Casper my regards," said Adam.

A nun with a katana edged forward, holding the blade's hilt firmly in her dainty hands with the tip of the sword aimed straight forward, unaware that the katana was not well suited as a stabbing weapon. If Sephiroth had believed this it would've prevented him from even attempting to stab Aeris/Aerith, but he had a tendency of defying the laws of physics as angsty edgelords often tend to do.

Adam snapped his finger and, from out of a puff of weed smoke, an anthromorphic Shiba Inu appeared. It stood atop of a boombox blasting Skrillex music. It wore pants that hung down to its knees, exposing its piss stained underwear. On its head, it wore a sideways hat and a pair of hipster sunglasses over its eyes.

A joint protruded from the dog's lips, and it dabbed while holding a spinning fidget spinner in each hand-paw while Japanese girls snapped pictures with their flip phones and kept commenting on how kawaii and sugoi the dog was. The darker side of the furry community on the other hand, well, let's just say you don't want to know what they were up to.

The katana-wielding nun cried in anguish. "I swore an oath that I would never conform to the patterns of this world, nor lay my eyes on any wicked thing! Now, because of you, I have been desecrated permanently!" The nun turned the katana towards her chest and stabbed it through herself, committing the ancient Japanese technique of seppuku and dishonouring her stuck-up ancestors, who scowled down at her pathetic corpse from a heavenly abode.

"Now that's what I call sushi!" said Adam, making sure to sound as racially insensitive as possible as was the way of a white male American Trump supporter eating cheeseburgers.

A young nun in a blue robe strutted forward seductively while swinging around a red yo-yo. It wasn't a girl, rather it was a young boy called Bridget, who hailed from the fighting game Guilty Gear and was a well known trap among many fans of the anime community unfortunate enough to come across his fan art.

The crossdressing nun bum rushed Adam, attempting to convert him to the gay side of the force, but since he was the straightest and manliest Gary Stu of all time, it had no effect.

"There are only two genders," said Adam, bluntly.

Tears started spewing from Bridget's eyes like water from a sprinkler and he ran out of the cathedral, never to be seen again until the next batch of overpriced Guilty Gear Xrd DLC.

A freakishly tall and brutish blonde haired man crossdressing as a nun stepped forward. It was Sister from Arakawa Under the Bridge. Instead of his usual weapons, he wielded the super shotgun Nirvana from that one level in Doom II. (The original 1994 Doom II, not Doom Eternal.) He cocked the gun and pressed down on the trigger all the meanwhile humming the chorus from Nirvana's song Drain You. Needless to say, Kurt Cobain would've been proud.

Adam stepped forth, plugged two robotic fingers into the barrels of the gun and, as it fired, the shot blew backwards, coating Sister in black soot.

Adam had learned this technique from Rubber Hoseian-Sapiens, a race of beings from another dimension who coincidentally relied on a set of physics identical to 1930's rubber hose animation. A certain fellow called Cuphead had provided some especially helpful advice on how to morph one's own head into a damn axe, but Adam hadn't tried it yet, because he didn't want to get to risk getting a headache.

"Sorry," said Sister, bluntly, and walked away to clean up after himself before Maria found out.

A nun with a psychotic grin on her face stepped forward. Her robe was soaked head to toe in blood like a Bloodborne character or, alternatively, Zero from the lagfest that was Drakengard 3.

She wielded a gold plated chainsaw, its blade in the shape of a cross, which was not only difficult for the manufacturers to make, but very impractical. Its chain was lubricated with holy water and its engine was powered, not by gas, but by the torments of the damned souls residing in the hellfire pocket dimension that substituted for the chainsaw's lack of a gas tank. The nun pulled the ripcord made from strands of Samson's hair, revving the holy chainsaw into action, and came running for Adam, laughing maniacally all the meanwhile.

Adam wasn't sure he felt like handling this blood fetishist up close and personal. Even an unhygienic slob like him had standards, so he held out his right arm. It split apart and he fired his nanoblade at the nun. The blade missed, however, and shot through the big window, killing the stained glass demon before it could even make its appearance, which would've saved Sir Daniel Fortesque a lot of time in his 5 hour game. (MediEvil is still a great game nonetheless.)

"Crud," said Adam, making sure to keep his language PG. He was in a church after all. He held out his left hand and shot his second and only other nanoblade, but this one also missed and flew out of the already broken window, penetrating a random civilian who made the Wilhelm scream for some reason.

"Your over-glorified box cutters won't save you now!" said the nun, gaining on him.

The thought of hygiene gave Adam a brilliant idea. As the nun came at him, he opened his mouth and belched a cloud of green gas at her face and she melted like that one Nazi from Indiana Jones, or alternatively like the Wicked Witch of the West if you want to keep your imagination PG. The crazy part was that his bad breath wasn't even an augment. That was just how bad his breath was naturally.

Now that he had killed a whole building's worth of combatants, adding to his already massive kill count that rivaled the size of a continent's population, he looted every valuable object, storing them in the pocket dimension of his ass, which would've saved the Dragonborn of Skyrim so much trouble, and then headed to the back doors.

As he opened them, however, he beheld a neighborhood burning in flames, just like the nun leader had prophesied. This was bad. He would be marked as criminal even more than he already was, and the people of London wouldn't forgive him for at least a week until the next overblown controversy surfaced on the news.

"Whelp, time to take refuge to Golem City. I hope it has as many golems as Minecraft."


	3. Chapter 3: Dumbestic Violence

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 3: Dumbestic Violence**

Adam Jensen was sorely disappointed upon his arrival at Golem City. Not just for the fact that it was crappy and rundown, but because it didn't have any actual golems. It dawned on him that it was called Golem City because golem was slang for cyborg, since both are comparable to robots to some extent or other, and in modern Hebrew 'golem' meant dumb or helpless, adding further salt to an already salty wound.

Not only did Golem City not have any golems like Minecraft, but also whenever he tried placing low poly blocks around to build things, a police officer would come up to him and start babbling on about needing a building permit and paying taxes and whatnot, and then Adam would have to punch that police unconscious.

Bodies he left unconscious more often than not resembled dead bodies, and even when other people talked to him they were upset and talked as though the unconscious people in questions were actually dead. He often wondered if there was a deeper implication to this, but for now he put it to the back of his mind, just like all of his moral obligations.

"I'm telling you," said Alex Vega over Adam's Bluetooth headset. "You've already been to Golem City."

"Bull crap!" said Adam, his voice just as gruff as ever. Yes, he still smoked, cause quitting smoking is really hard, even for a god-man like him. "If I was here once before then I would remember! Are you calling me a liar?"

"No. Think about it, Adam. This is where you first met Marchenko and the members of ARC."

"But if he was in plain sight, then why didn't I kill him early to prevent him from exploding those homes in London?"

"I dunno. Maybe he wasn't hostile at that point."

"You're saying I wouldn't know a bad guy when I see one?! You think I'm stupid?!"

"No, you're just insecure," said Alex, a hint of smartassery and defiance in her voice, the early signs of a feminist in the making. "You act all manly and tough, but deep inside you're really a small man with a really small penis. You know what, maybe we won't have that hot interracial sex after all!"

"Fine! I guess that makes this game 'Dues Ex: Couples Divided' now, doesn't it!?"

"It sure does! And I hope there's no sequel, because I don't want to get back together! "

"Fine! I don't want anything to do with you either! Besides, why would I want to date a woman with hair dyed LIKE A GODFORSAKEN BUMBLEBEE?!"

Adam reached for his ear, ripped off his Bluetooth headset, and chucked it at a wall, only to find out that he didn't have a Bluetooth headset after all. It was his ear that had been augmented with a communication implant and which now lay on the diseased ground, being gnawed on by radioactive rats.

That would explain why he experienced the pain of losing one's ear just now. Great, Adam was now a one eared man. Never again would he be able to attract a mate, but maybe if he was lucky he could exploit the disability accommodations of Canadian healthcare and run the Ontario province into bankruptcy so it could be renamed Detroit 2.

He intruded into a building uninvited, curious to find out if his temporary neighbors were just as big of douchebags as he was. Inside was an average kitchen common among such capitalist vanity dens designed to suck peoples life away through the constant need of maintenance. A fat man sat on a chair, daring an old frail man standing on a wobbly table to jump up into a fan spinning hundreds of miles per hour.

"You can do it, gramps!" said the fat man. "Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!"

The old geezer finally gave in and jumped up into it. For some inconceivable reason, the fan didn't chop the old man into meat paste, but rather the collar of his Christmas sweater got caught on one of its blades and he got swung around at a speed that would've made an experienced supersonic jet pilot cringe.

After spinning around a bit, he slipped off and went hurtling and crashing through a conveniently placed window and landed with a loud metallic thud into a dumpster full of his own adult diapers; a karmic retribution of sorts.

The fat man broke into a hysterical laughter that sounded like a hyena on helium.

Adam, however, just stared at the man with contempt. "That's not funny at all!"

The fat man wiped tears from his diabetic eyes. "Why not?

"The old fart is still alive. Look!" Adam pointed a robotic finger towards the old man on the other side of the broken window.

The old man came limping back, holding his back all the meanwhile. "Ow, my back. . . . My back. . . ."

The fat man shrugged. "Hey, it's not my fault I can't get rid of him. He's like a cockroach."

"You could've crushed him beneath your fat ass this whole time if you were _that_ desperate," said Adam.

The fat man stood up from his chair with an effort and stood upon his wobbly deformed legs. "If you're so confident, I'd like to see you do better, Tin Man."

Adam Jensen held out his right arm. It split apart and he launched his nanoblade at the fat man's neck, decapitating him. The blade landed into the wall and the man's head rested atop of its flat end like John the Baptist's head had rested on a silver platter when presented to King Herod.

"Damn, never realized I had such a thicc ass," said the man's decapitated head, staring down at his lifeless corpse. "If only I could've gone between a narrow alley and used a portal gun on both walls. I could've had myself a fun time."

"Cut the crap, fatty," said Adam. "You're supposed to be dead, remember?"

"Oh, right. Sorry," said the man's head, then let his eyes become unfocused and his tongue loll out of his mouth, playing the part of a dead man.

Adam did the responsible thing by disposing of the head in the head trash which this seemingly sane residence had for some inexplicable reason. As for the headless body, he left it behind so it could be used as a prop for the next controversial Rammstein music video. He then washed his nanoblade in the sink, the blood running down the drain, helping to feed a family of starving vampires, who would soon after be slaughtered by Axe Cop wielding a gothic battleaxe.

In case the man so happened to have a wife by some miracle of fate, he printed a receipt from his mouth and placed it on the table so that the wife could request a replacement husband from the magic husband store in the sky.

He left the house and approached the old limping man. "Looks like someone is long past their expiration date. Time for you to die, Father Time!"

With a flick of his finger, he sent the geezer flying through a pane of glass being carried by two handymen, shattering it and making the handymen throw their hands up in dismay and leave for an early lunch break. The old man landed back in the dumpster just in time for the garbage truck to pass by and collect the dumpster's putrid contents.

Unfortunately for the old man, however, garbage trucks in the future were just repurposed wood chipper trucks, so he ended up being chopped into meat chips and his soul ascended to garbage heaven where he met the garbage god, who gave him the rusty keys to the seven homeless shelters residing upon the seven garbage hills of Garbageland.

Adam didn't want to deal with the cops right now, so to pass the time that it would take for the polices' short-term memory to forget about him, he entered a daycare center. He wasn't sure what he would find in here that would be of his elitist interest. Perhaps he could steal candy from a baby.

Various toys were scattered across the floor, creating a minefield of pain for whoever's foot was unfortunate enough to step on them. Nobody occupied the premises, save for a woman who sat in front of a computer watching cute cat videos, though Adam knew this was just a cover to hide her pr0n.

"Is there something I can do for you?" asked the woman, sounding polite, but probably wishing Adam could screw off so she could resume her private business. "You're not a school shooter, are you?"

"No, I'm just looking around and pissing on your valuable time," said Adam, not being dishonest with himself. "Seems awfully empty for a daycare."

"Yes, but believe me, when there are kids it can be quite a handful. It's hard to find anyone elitist enough to take up such a monumental task. I would be willing to hire some nuns to take up the position, but lately there has been a worldwide nun shortage. I wonder why. . . ."

Adam had to prevent himself from chuckling at the thought of all the nuns he had mercilessly slaughtered in the previous chapter. "Maybe they're off at a casino playing Bingo."

"Well until I can get proper help I just put the kids in front of a TV and let them watch Spider-Man and Elsa videos on the YouTube Kids app until they fall into a hypnotic coma."

"That's a great idea. I was raised with YouTube Kids and I turned out fine," said Adam, imagining the woman being tied up in rope and put into bondage like in the videos of his childhood.

"It's amazing that we allow mere algorithms to dictate our lifestyles. It's almost like we're being groomed to become the slaves of robotic overlords."

A disturbing thought came to Adam. It wasn't about robotic overlords, but rather the fact that there were no children here in this daycare and, stranger yet, that he couldn't remember ever seeing any children NPCs roaming the streets in his entire life.

He clutched the woman by the collar and punched her in the face. "Where are they?! Where are the kids?!" He growled, making sure to maintain his act as a second-rate Batman.

"There are no kids today! This is the weekend!"

Adam punched her again, gallons of blood and snot spurting from her nose. "You lie! This is a Monday! There should totally be kids here!"

"Alright, I admit it! The kids have been taken hostage by killer parakeets!"

"What do killer parakeets want with kids? Where are they?"

The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I've said too much."

A white parakeet flew out of a vent, landed on the woman's neck, and chewed away at its circumference like a buzzsaw until her head lopped free from her shoulders and landed in a conveniently placed trash bin.

The parakeet roosted atop the rim of the lady's severed neck, glared at Adam with a humanlike quality in its beady black eyes, and then flew back into the vent.

Adam shook his fist at the parakeet. "Nobody takes my victims from me!"

He crawled into the conveniently spacious vent with much ease. His experience was thanks to his childhood and the many times he had escaped the clutches of his creepy uncle. He followed the trail of feathers left behind by the parakeet, knowing that if he followed the bird he could find the kids and make up for the numerous crimes he had committed in the past. If he did this he could continue committing crimes without anyone on his case.

As he passed through a 4-way intersection, he came across a xenomorph crawling along on its stomach with the ease of a snake slithering on its belly.

"G'day to you fine sir," said the xenomorph, tipping his top hat in salute.

"Nice hat," said Adam, feeling slightly jealous.


	4. Chapter 4: The Obligatory Sewer Level

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 4: The Obligatory Sewer Level**

Adam Jensen came to the end of the vent and exited out into a conveniently spacious sewer the size of a metro tunnel with walkways on both sides of a canal. A ventilation system connecting to a sewer seemed like a huge design flaw, considering that it carried odorous gasses up into the residential homes and made people vomit to death.

At the bottom of the canal, Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris fought against Aps; a horned creature so hideously designed it was any wonder it left the drawing board in the first place. Since they were all JRPG characters, they took turns while fighting, because it gave their overinflated egos a false sense of accomplishment, knowing that they beat their opponents in a way that made it more tedious than it needed to be.

Aps used his powers of poop control to collect all of the fecal matter in the water and collect it together into a big wave, which it then thrust down into the Final Fantasy VII protagonists, dealing at least 9998 damage. (They were playing in ultra hard masochist mode.)

Cloud remained with 1 HP left, but Tifa and Aeris got knocked out. Tifa and her boobs they could do without, but Aeris was vital to their party's strategy, because she was the team's healer as stereotypically designated by her gender. Also, if she were to die here and now it would prevent her from dying at the hands of Sephiroth and making weaboos all over the world feel emotion for the first time in their pitiful virgin existence.

"Just thought I'd let you know that you're covered in fecal matter," said Adam.

"Well that would explain why we're dying of campylobacteriosis," said emo Cloud pretentiously between mouthfuls of vomit, too weary to lift his buster sword of compensation, a situation which could very well symbolize erectile dysfunction in Freudian psychology.

Since he had been interrupted, Cloud forgot that they were adhering by the Active Time Battle rule. He lost his turn and got washed off the face of the earth by another sewer tsunami wave, cancelling the Final Fantasy VII remake permanently. (You're welcome.)

Adam came across a piece of moldy worm infested cheese on the ground. "Mm, sewer cheese. Don't mind if I do." He reached down to pick it up, but then it got pulled into the water by an invisible fishing line and then fishmen poked their heads out of the water. They were enemies called dondragos from Chrono Trigger, but they were basically ripoffs of Zoras from the Legend of Zelda, because originality was hard to make these days.

The cast of Chrono Trigger appeared from out of a wormhole, pulled out their weapons, and waited for their turns.

Adam sighed. "I don't have the _time_ for this." He pulled out his 10mm pistol from his ass and shot each of the fishmen in quick succession.

"Why, how very unsophisticated of you," said Lucca through her buckteeth and nasally voice, adjusting her dorky glasses all the meanwhile.

"Why? What did I do wrong?" asked Adam, shrugging.

"You didn't even wait for your turn," said Magus while pulling a leather glove taut over his left hand, making it look as though he were readying himself to administer a prostrate exam, which might not be too far from the truth.

Adam took a bite out of Pickle Rick. "And is there a problem with that?" he asked with his mouth full of Rick's chewed up head, which tasted like esoteric non-sequiturs of pretentiousness.

"Ribbit!" said Frog. (He was a frog.)

Adam picked his teeth clean with a single toothpick carved from Groot. "You serious?"

"BEEP BOOP BEEP!" said Robo. (He was a robot. He served little purpose beyond blinking lights and soft hums.)

"How come?"

"Ugh!" said Ayla. (She was a cavewoman. Cavewomen should go back to the cave where they belonged.)

"But it doesn't make any sense!"

Crono didn't say anything because he was a silent protagonist, which was just a very nice way of saying that he was antisocial. Also, his mom must've been illiterate when she named him, because 'Crono' is just 'Chrono' but spelled wrong.

And then there was Marle. Nobody liked Marle.

Adam threw his hands up. "I just simply refuse to play by your rules."

Crono clenched his hands into fists and yelled at the top of his lungs as his hair turned yellow and yellow energy seeped from his body. Looks like Adam just got Crono triggered. (Get it?)

Crono levitated off the ground and held his hands upward as he summoned forth a lightning bolt. At the same time, another sewer tsunami wave came their way, splashing sewage upwards onto the walkway. Adam jumped out of the way just in time to avoid both the wave and the lightning, but the Chrono Trigger cast were not as fortunate. They got soaked just as the lightning made contact, electrocuting them all to a crisp and cancelling the Chrono Trigger sequel permanently. (But of course, you could always play the underrated Chrono Cross. Its 45 playable characters haven't been killed . . . yet.)

Adam continued onward, came upon a downward slope, and stopped in his tracks. He heard a distant clatter drawing nearer from the dark depths, making him stop in his tracks in hesitation. As the sound drew close enough, it became evident to be the instruments of a sewer marching band playing Return of the Hero from Final Fantasy III. (Famicom Final Fantasy III, not SNES Final Fantasy III. Don't get me started on this debate again!)

"Damn, I hate sewer marching bands," said Adam.

His chest split open, revealing his bread oven augment, and he pulled out a loaf of bread that had gone stale ages ago. As the marching band came up the slope, he rolled the loaf down like a bowling ball and it knocked the band members' legs from beneath them and they ragdolled downward violently, dashing themselves into pieces against the pavement.

The body parts of the marching band fell into the canal, becoming meat sewage that would eventually get recycled into drinking water and get drunk by pregnant woman, who would then give birth to the band members reincarnated as sewer babies.

Adam went down the slope, setting foot on a flat walkway once again. He stopped at a railway track as the poop train made its circuit through the dung tunnel, carrying carts full of manure from neighboring cities that could actually give a crap; both figuratively and literally.

"How goes the cargo, fellow train?" asked Adam.

"F*** YOU!" said the train without even moving its mouth, scowling all the meanwhile.

Trains these days. No respect for their human overlords. Somebody ought to suplex this train. Adam could've done it easily, but he wanted to save his energy for an opponent that was actually worth his time.

A suicidal Luke Skywalker and a thala-siren were slumped against a wall. Luke was drinking a glass of what Adam presumed to be green thala-siren milk.

"The Last Jedi SUCKED!" said Adam, making sure to spit out that last part with extra emphasis to rub the point in.

Luke nodded wearily. "Yes. . . . Yes it did. . . . That I will not deny."

"That plot went absolutely nowhere! None of the buildup established from the Force Awakens paid off, and most of the movie revolved around either being stuck on a ship that was running out of fuel, or being stuck in a casino! Also, those space horses looked like Trico from The Last Guardian!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way," said Luke, taking another sip of his milk.

"If you felt sorry you should've at least left me with a better last impression of yourself! You, the most iconic protagonist of Star Wars! Now the only thing I can think of when I see you is you drinking that disgusting green slime you call milk! Let just get one thing straight: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EXOTIC MILK, LUKE! I CARE ABOUT RESPECT!"

"Milk?"

Adam came to a horrible realization. Those weren't udders hanging from between the thala-siren's legs. In fact, it wasn't a thala- _siren_ , but rather a thala- _bull_.

He tried to remain calm despite this revelation. "Well, if you will excuse me, I'll be on my way now." He backed away from Luke and then, when he was past the corner and outside of viewing range, he broke into a full sprint.

Luke may not have seen Adam run, but he certainly heard his footsteps reverberating throughout the sewer's walls. That was just enough to send him over the edge. Soon, Luke would end it all, and nothing, not even a fast learning Mary Sue, could save him now.

And then he was disintegrated by Thanos.


	5. Chapter 5: Dumb Dreams

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 5: Dumb Dreams**

While traversing the sewers, Adam slaughtered a hobo and took his sleeping bag so that he himself could sleep.

In his dream, there was a librarian enjoying the view of a perfect sunset.

Then his secretary walked in with bad news. "I'm sorry to inform you that your gay Chihuahua has been murdered by scarecrows."

"Good riddance!" The librarian didn't cry a tear.

The secretary was aggravated and pulled out an awesome crystal sword. "You die by my hand!"

The librarian performed several consecutive backflips to dodge the lasers fired from the crystal sword until he accidentally fell off a cliff, leaving green blood on the pavement.

A green-blooded alien race discovered this blood stain and took it for sacrilege, declaring an all-out war. The war only lasted one second though, because oxygen made the aliens explode, due to a faulty chemical reaction. The wizards of underland predicted this outcome years in advance and placed a forcefield in time to catch a specimen.

They tortured this specimen with various methods, but for the most part it involved laser chainsaws powered by crystals.

The crystals were wow, so said the doge on the mountain in his book of doges, but the doge had a problem. You see, the doge was the conductor, and all that conductors have are problems. Problems ranging from infomercial varieties to disaster proportions. In short, they had seen everything that could possibly occur within the dimensions of a 9 dimensional tesseract.

This tesseract was bob, and bob was very hungry, but also angry for the fact that he was hungry. So one day, Bob decided to engulf an entire universe, including the Greek god, Steve. Unfortunately, as it turned out, swallowing Steve turned out to be a rather subtle innuendo on the tesseract's part, so rather than one tesseract devouring another, a new tesseract was spawned from within the depths of their infested bowels. This new tesseract was Fredrick.

Fredrick was later reincarnated as the Hindu god of making-sure-to-close-the-toilet-seat-when-you're-done-using-the-bathroom. As such, he electrocuted all children who never closed the toilet by sending a lightning bolt up into their bottoms the next time they used the bathroom in vain. This god, however, was later defeated by God of Slobs. God of Slobs was then defeated by God of Obesity and God of Unemployment. Most likely a couple, but that's aside from the point. These gods would do anything to live a normal boring life, up to and including prostitution.

One day, they attended a convention where animals dressed up as people. They accomplished this by wearing skin suits made out of the pelts of their enemies. These animals had a philosophy that involved one's ascension into a human being by practicing human behavior. Unfortunately for these human-wannabes, however, humans themselves did not like the idea of animals becoming people, believing the introduction of such an abomination would offset the economy and put meat markets out of business, resulting in a vegan civilization; a most blasphemous end result.

So thus animals were not people. People, on the other hand, were not prevented from stooping down to the levels of animals.

Adam woke up with disappointment and reminded himself to eventually install an augment to prevent himself from having such stupid dreams ever again.


	6. Chapter 6: Adam's Worst Fear

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 6: Adam's Worst Fear**

As Adam continued his seemingly never-ending trek through the sewers, he stopped in his tracks as he came upon his first encounter in hours. There was a clown holding up a paper boat to a water drain as a kid in a yellow raincoat stared through the other side from the sidewalk above.

"Go on, take it," said the clown in a quiet, sinister voice.

The kid tentatively reached a trembling hand forward to take the boat from the clown's grasp.

"Didn't your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers?" asked Adam, directing his question towards the kid.

The clown turned towards Adam to reveal a pale head with tufts of red hair and a larger than normal forehead. With his attention diverted, the kid took the opportunity to run off, water gushing beneath every step of his boots.

The clown glanced back to the water drain, hissed, then turned back to Adam. "Fine. I guess if Georgie won't take his boat back then I'll just have to give it to you for safekeeping."

Adam reached out to take the boat, taking no hesitation in doing so. Once he clasped it, the clown lunged forth and bit down into his arm only to reel back, his fugly yellow teeth spilling from his mouth with ribbons of blood.

Unphased, Adam glared down at the slight teeth marks the clown had made in his metal arm. "What the hell was that about?"

"Usually people like you are edible," said the clown while holding a sleeve of his uniform up to his mouth to soak up the blood.

"Well I for one am not, and you're lucky I'm in a good mood today. I usually beat the crap out of people for less than that." He took the paper boat, stuffed it into his mouth, and swallowed it.

The clown's eyes rolled up into his head as he tried to process what the hell just happened. "Well that was . . . unexpected."

"And who might you be exactly?"

The clown performed a curtsy. "I am Pennywise. You?"

"You should know who I am. I'm Adam Jensen. I'm practically your god. Maybe you can make yourself a useful servant to me by helping me locate some kidnapped kids."

The clown licked his lips. "Ooh, kids you say, I do like myself some scrumptious kids."

Adam took a step back. "On second thought, maybe I shouldn't let you anywhere near the kids."

"Why not?"

"Clearly you're a child predator."

" No, you misunderstand me. I like to eat kids for dinner."

"That's even worse!"

"No, I'm pretty sure the other thing is worse."

Adam held up his hands. "Okay, okay, let's just agree that both are equally abominable acts."

"Fair enough."

Adam's nanoblades ejected forth from his arms. "And with that being said, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to kill you now. I imagine you probably bleed confetti."

The clown waggled a finger in front of Adam. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"Why not?"

The clown grinned wide. "If you won't sacrifice children to me, I will assume the form of your worst fear and make your life a living hell."

Adam scoffed. "Well good luck with that, Pennysworth, because nothing scares me."

"My name is Pennywise! PENNYWISE!"

"Whatever you say, Nickelback."

"Oh come on! What the bleeding balloons made you think of that as a comeback?"

"Both pennies and nickels are a form of currency, so. . . ."

"I would prefer not to be compared to that band. I may be evil, but I'm not _that_ evil. My demonic race may have inspired many of the primordial evils of your race, but we certainly did not inspire your garbage music. You humans did that all by yourself."

"I guess that means I'm not getting my nickel back then."

"Oh, that does it! Prepare to pee your pantaloons!" The clown stared intently at Adam while holding a finger against the temple of his head, concentrating so hard that sweat broke out on his brow.

Adam chuckled. "Is that the best you got?"

"I see. You're a tough cracker, but there's always a chink in the armor. Sooner or later, you'll float just like everyone else. . . . Yes, I've got it!" The clown transmogrified into a splitting image of Adam, only this version of Adam wore all pink and had facial makeup, making him resemble Julian Smith from _I'd Rather Eat Randy_. His robotic arms were pink and coated in glittering rhinestones.

Adam trembled in his boots. He couldn't believe it. He was actually intimidated for once. "What the hell is this? Who the hell are you?"

"I'm so glad you asked, Adam darling. I am your true self, and I'm fabulouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus."

"No! This cannot be!" said Manly Adam, reciting a verse from the Big Book of Clichés.

"Perhaps I haven't made myself clear." Flamboyant Adam screwed up his face into a more serious and foreboding expression. "Adam. . . . I am you of the not too distant future."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Manly Adam lunged at this gay ghoul, wanting nothing but to see it dead.

Flamboyant Adam's arms split open and, instead of nanoblades ejecting forth, pink rubbery dildos made of self-regenerating nanoites ejected forth. Manly Adam's vision augments censored these with pixilation to ensure that they wouldn't corrupt him with their homoerotic symbolism.

Manly Adam's blades came in contact with Flamboyant Adam's dildos and he chopped their tips off, but they regenerated back mere microseconds afterwards.

"Ooh, so you like your wieners circumcised, do you?" said Flamboyant Adam.

"I like them castrated!"

"Don't knock it till you try it, wiener boy!" Flamboyant Adam poked one of the dildos into the back of Manly Adam's throat, and he vomited vomit all over the sewer floor. "I see. So you don't suck or swallow. Quite the intriguing paradox."

Manly Adam returned the favor by shoving a nanoblade down Flamboyant Adam's throat, though it didn't pierce through the back of the creature's head like he expected, but rather he sucked on it with a provocative look in his eyes. He was enjoying this!

Manly Adam retracted his blade. "Impossible. These blades are of molecular sharpness. There is nothing they cannot penetrate."

"You mean you actually wanna penetrate me? Why didn't you say so!"

"That's not what I meant! Get away from me, you pink poltergeist!" Manly Adam made his escape through the tunnel, running as fast as his heterosexual legs could carry him. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed that Flamboyant Adam had dematerialized into a cloud of glittering pink perfume that was floating his way, gaining on him at an alarming rate.

Manly Adam came upon a dead end. He turned around, intending to run around the perfume to evade it, but it struck him in his perfect man-face before he could do so, and it went up into his nostrils and into his body, leaving him dumbfounded.

Flamboyant Adam no longer posed a physical threat, but if he was now inside him, then he supposed this had deep philosophical implications. Regardless, he banished it from his mind and continued onward, his footsteps echoing throughout the tunnel, making him wonder what they would sound like if he had been wearing high heels.


	7. Chapter 7: Breaking the Four Walls

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 7: Breaking the Four Walls**

Adam finally found a manhole cover that lead him out of the endless sewers and into a narrow alleyway strewn with white parakeet feathers. That godless bird had to be here somewhere. There were four sections of the alley walls that had been recently sealed closed with bricks and cement. The people behind these entrances had something to hide. One of these had to be the layer of the parakeet.

He approached the first wall and punched it down, depleting one third of his battery life. On the other side was a church with a choir singing and dancing on the stage. Behind them an enormous T-Rex in a white robe danced and swayed in rhythm to the music.

The lyrics went like this:

 _Dino Christus! Dino Christus!  
Feed him in the morning,  
Feed him in the noontime!  
Feed him, Feeeeeeeeed him!  
Feed him when the sun goes down!_

The T-Rex leaned forward and bit the head off of the lead singer. The rest of the choir members dispersed from the stage, screaming and running around aimlessly in circles like chickens with their heads cut off, and in some cases they literally had no heads, since the T-Rex was going on a head eating marathon.

One of the choir members stood in front of the camera and screamed. "Why! Why do we even worship a dinosaur!" The T-Rex bit off her scalp and she screamed even louder.

A wormhole materialized and a cyborg version of Dumbledore stepped out of it.

"Its Dumbledore!" said a crowd of people.

"I am no longer Dumbledore," said the cyborg. "The dimensions have shifted. I am Dumbleborg." He pulled out a ray gun made from the elder wand and fired several blasts of the sectumsempra spell at the T-Rex, gashing it across the stomach and making it roar in annoyance. "The power of lucrative franchises compels you!"

An Amish man with a straw hat stepped past Adam and walked into the church.

"Its Buzzsaw Billy!" said the crowd.

Buzzsaw Billy glared at Dumbleborg. "This is how it's done, you pagan pussy!" He pulled off his satanic straw hat fueled by a hellish hyperdrive and flung it at the T-Rex. The hat's bladed rim came in contact with the dinosaur's head and sliced it off, gallons of blood spraying everywhere and drenching the choir members, who cheered with a thunderous applause , despite the fact that they would soon after die a most horrible and painful death from the blood's neurotoxins.

Perhaps Adam himself could've saved these people to restore his reputation, but since this time travelling cyberwizard and Amish man had beaten him to the punch, he would have to continue his quest of saving those snotty brats. Such a shame.

He approached the second wall and punched it down, depleting another third of his battery life. On the other side was a an interrogation room lined with glowing green crystals. Superman (played by Nicholas Cage) was tied to a chair, his arms and legs secured with rainbow friendship bands. Lex Luthor (unfortunately played by Jesse Eisenburg) stood before him, holding a bowl of jolly ranchers.

"Looks like kryptonite isn't your only kryptonite." Millennial Lex Luthor shoved a green Jolly Rancher into Superman's mouth, making him cough and gag dramatically like a man dying of cyanide poisoning.

After Superman reluctantly swallowed the candy, he took sharp inhales and exhales of breath. "Ugh, I hate Jolly Ranchers! They are neither jolly nor ranch!"

Lex Luthor just now noticed Adam standing in the obvious gaping hole in the wall. Talk about a delayed reaction. "Oh hi. Want a Jolly Rancher? They're gluten free, peanut free, and the watermelon flavor has been removed to avoid claims of racism." (He said this to sound like a good SJW, despite having a racial prejudice against Kryptonians.)

Adam turned his nose up at those little candy abominations. "I'd rather not have diabetes."

"Oh, suit yourself. That just means more Jolly Ranchers for my friend Supes over here."

Superman shook his head vigorously. "No! Anything but that! Spare me from this torment!"

"But we've only just begun! Next you're going to be trying Jolly Ranchers jelly beans!" Lex Luthor opened a bag of jelly beans and poured them on Superman.

Superman thrashed even harder. "OH NO, NOT THE BEANS! NOT THE BEANS! AUUUUGH! THEY'RE IN MY MOUTH! MY MOUTH! AAAAUUUURRRRGH!"

It was none of Adam's business what an evil mastermind wanted to do with a superhero in the privacy of their bedroom (as wrong as that sounded). He left the opening, approached the third wall, and punched it down, depleting another third of his battery life.

On the other side was a Broadway theater with a congregation of Illuminati members in a choir singing the operatic lyrics of To Mega Therion by Therion; a song sung by all cultists when they were in a stereotypically evil mood (though I personally like listening to it during writing sessions and long relaxing strolls on the beach).

The Illuminati were Adam's sworn enemy, but getting caught up in a fight with them here and now would distract him from his main objective, so he ignored them for now (he would regret this later, because the Illuminati would relocate to a new headquarters that was totally not Ingolstadt, Germany. Oops, did I say that out loud?).

He approached the fourth wall and, to his misfortune, his HUD display notified him that his battery life for his upper body strength was depleted. He would've eaten another Cyberboost Proenergy bar as a last resort, but he had already eaten through his massive cache of food while in the sewers. He could also just simply wait for his batteries to magically recharge themselves, but he didn't have enough patience for that.

He needed the wall smashed down now!

He had no other choice. He would have to resort to his lower body strength with its own separate reserve of battery power. With apprehension, he pulled down the front of his pants, revealing an enormous black vibrator augment replacing the obsolete penis he once had as a mortal man (I mean come on, if you had a choice of which size it was, of course you would choose the largest! It's a no brainer!).

He pressed the head of the vibrator against the wall and it started chipping away at the wall like a jackhammer. The vibrations were intense, even for him, and he couldn't help but moan in sync with their rhythm. "Oh yes, you like that, don't you, you dirty wall?"

There was a handyman sitting nearby that Adam hadn't noticed a moment ago. He was sitting down on a stool, his mouth gaping open. He had almost bitten down into a hotdog, but he put it back in his lunchbox and ran away, leaving his early lunch break early so that he could continue carrying panes of glass in Golem City. (Rumor has it the hotdog from that day forward was cursed, and remains in that lunchbox to this very day.)

Adam finally penetrated the wall and it broke apart. That took more effort than it was worth for such an anticlimactic result. He then realized that he could've just directed the battery power of his lower body strength into a swift kick that would've shattered the wall more effectively.

Regardless, he stepped forward into the building, bracing himself for what may very well be the final battle.


	8. Chapter 8: Pentagram of the Parakeets

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 8: Pentagram of the Parakeets**

Adam walked into a gym where the hostage children were standing up against a timeout wall while parakeets squawked and flew about on their pathetic excuses for appendages they called 'wings'. Whenever any of the kids got out of line, parakeets would swoop down and eat away at the children's' flesh, reducing them into spooky scary skeletons that sent shivers down Adam's augmented spine. When he got close enough, the parakeets became silent and landed on the floor, regarding him with swivels of their heads.

Adam's nanoblades ejected forth from his arms. "Bring it on, you budgie bastards!" The parakeets flew at him, squawking all the meanwhile, and he swung his blades at them, severing them into feathery pieces resembling the hair shavings of angels. Several of the parakeets managed to evade his blades and land on his metal limbs, biting off small chunks of them with surprising ease. They must've had augmented beaks.

Adam gathered these parakeets up in his hands and squeezed them with all of his might. Their eyes bulged out of their sockets, their heads popped off with an audible _pop_ like a cork popping off of a wine bottle, and their liquefied guts squeezed out of their neck holes like toothpaste from a toothpaste tube. "Is that all you got, you parakeet pussies?" He threw aside the parakeet skins like some child's forsaken playthings.

An animal rights activist (who only ate human meat) materialized out of nowhere and pointed at him. "That's animal cruelty! Only humans should be mercilessly slaughtered!"

Adam pulled out a unicorn blaster and shot the activist with a rainbow beam that reduced the subject into glittery rainbow paste. Needless to say, nothing of value was lost.

The swarm of parakeets was becoming so dense that they seemed to fill every conceivable space of air and covered every square inch of his body, taking so many bites out of his body that he was starting to look like a walking block of Swiss cheese. He was now flailing his arms at them so aimlessly that he hoped nobody other than the readers were watching this right about now, or else it wouldn't look very professional on his résumé.

"Get off me, you tropical twits!" Adam spun around, activating his Typhoon Explosive System and blowing the parakeets into giblets. Incidentally, this also included all of the innocent children he had intended to save. Damn, so much for restoring his reputation.

In the middle of the room was a spooky pentagram and a Victorian bird cage with parakeets that were unaffected by the Typhoon blast. One of the parakeets was pure white and glared at Adam with a humanlike quality in its beady black eyes. Adam would know this parakeet anywhere.

He stepped over the pentagram and pressed his nose against the front of the cage (two actions he would soon regret). "Not so tough now are you, you pudgy budgies?"

One of the parakeets jumped onto the front perch and bit down onto Adam's nose. At the same time, the pentagram on the floor collapsed, leaving him dangling over a tunnel that led straight to Hell, which apparently wasn't all that far beneath the surface world.

The budgie was somehow able to sustain Adam's weight with the strength of its iron beak clamping down on his nose. His nostrils were stretched impossibly wide and cybersnot leaked out from their snotty depths and poured into his mouth, making him regurgitate virtual vomit that fell down through the tunnel to Hell and splattered on Satan's head, pissing him off.

The trauma of his situation made his bowels give way and digital diarrhea leaked from his ass and down the legs of his pants. This also fell down through the tunnel to Hell, and splattered on Lilith's head, pissing her off and making her demand that Satan give her a divorce, to which he promptly agreed.

Several of the parakeets bobbed their heads up and down and chirped. As much as Adam would've hated to admit it, he would've found this cute, if not for his current predicament.

The white parakeet's eyes glowed red.

"What the hell are you?" asked Adam.

"I am the demon Belial," said the parakeet in a deep voice. "You being here is no coincidence. It was I who orchestrated the events that led you here. You have been killing more people than what is considered natural, sending their souls to the afterlife at an increased rate and offsetting the afterlife economy. Thus it has been decided by the juries of Heaven and Hell that, by damning you to Hell, the balance of life and death shall be restored, and afterlife housing shall become affordable again."

"KILLING ME WONT BRING BACK YOUR DAMN MONEY!"

"Oh rly? Well, we'll see about that!"

The parakeet clamping onto Adam's nose let go and he fell down the flaming tunnel. His life flashed before his eyes and he recalled the prophetic words of the nun leader from Chapter 2. It seemed his life had consisted of passing through a figurative cathedral called life, and now it would end with burning residential homes once he passed through to the other side.

And the deaths of all the innocent people would be his fault.

He flailed his arms about and screamed for a bit like any normal person would do in such a terrifying situation, but then he calmed down and thought on the bright side. Maybe Hell would at least have free parking.

The Monopoly Man floated next him but, instead of his usual top hat and suit, he now wore leather bondage gear. "Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! Go straight to Hell!"

Adam kicked him in the moneybags.


	9. Chapter 9: Adam's Inferno

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 9: Adam's Inferno**

Adam activated his Icarus Landing System, allowing him to glide down slowly to ease the impact of his fall. The augment was powered by pixie dust from one time when he accidently swallowed Tinker Bell during a motorcycle ride. He landed on a hill of corpses next to a demonic peacock who had gore hanging from its hooked beak.

"Excuse me, if you could please move away from the peacock that would be nice," said an artist sitting in front of a painting canvas. "I'm painting the cover for Opeth's new album Sorceress."

"Well it better damn well be good!" (Spoiler Alert: The album was average at best.)

Adam descended the hill but he found that he couldn't proceed much further, for the floor was literally lava.

An edgy AF My Little Pony original character trotted towards him, walking on the lava like some kind of hellish messiah. The pony shared the same template as Rainbow Dash, but was crimson with a mane and tail made of orange fire, had sharp wolf-like teeth instead of flat horse teeth, and a pentagram cutie mark on the side of its thicc flank. "The name's Hellfire Warhorse. I'm here to lead you through Hell just like Virgil led Dante through Hell centuries ago. Mount me and we'll be on our way."

"Don't mind if I do." Adam unzipped his fly.

"No, not like _that_ , you sick perv! You're going to be riding on my back!"

"Right," said Adam, feeling slightly disappointed.

He hopped aboard the pony's back and she trotted over the surface of the lake of fire.

"So where are we going?" asked Adam.

"To the Deus Ex Machina stairs leading back to the surface."

"But why? Shouldn't I deserve to be down here?"

"Some would say that, but I still see some good in you. That's why I'm taking you to the stairs, but first we must pass through The Island of Gratuitous Cameos."

"Sounds about normal to me. Had to deal with these sorts of things ever since the dimensions started to shift and merge together."

They stepped onto an island with ungainly houses that looked like they were built by hobos.

Colossus sat slumped against a house's wall. He was here for saying the F bomb that one time in Deadpool 2. Because he was made of metal, the heat didn't affect him, but nonetheless he suffered from depression, longing for the days of vodka and communism and Mother Russia.

Aunt Josephine was tied to a chair with her eyes pried open, thrashing about and wailing loudly like a hag from old fashioned times as she was forced to read an endless loop of badly written fanfics on a monitor, which just so happened to include Dumbkind Dumbvided.

(Oh come on now, that's cutting it a little close to home don't you think?)

(On the bright side, IGN in their ignorance rated it a 7.0, saying that, "It really makes you feel like Adam Jensen.")

"It's terrible that so many people end up down here, isn't it?" asked Hellfire.

"To be fair, Detroit was way worse than this," said Adam.

Kameo from Kameo made a cameo on The Island of Gratuitous Cameos. She was in a special section of Hell called Development Hell that was reserved for game characters whose games have not been made yet. This was her second time being here. Her first time she was waiting for Kameo to release on the GameCube, only for its development to shift to the Xbox, and then to finally shift development and release on the Xbox 360. Now she was waiting for Rare to finish Kameo 2, but let's be honest with ourselves, it has just as likely of a chance of being made as Half-Life 3 at this point.

On his way through the island, Adam passed by Kratos.

"Hey, how's it going?" said Adam.

"Not too bad," said Kratos.

There was another special section of Hell reserved for notorious politicians, which so happened to include—

(Nope! Nope! Ain't touching that! It's too controversial!)

There was yet another special section of Hell reserved for the followers of all the false religions of the world, which so happened to include—

(Nope, not going there either! Geez, who would've thought that Hell would be such a controversial subject?)

Hellfire Warhorse came to a stop at a rundown stable. "This is where I stop."

Adam dismounted the pony.

Hellfire lowered her head. "Look, I want to tell you something legit serious. Something untainted by all of your comedic antics and badass one-liners, if you would be kind enough to take me seriously."

"What is it?"

"I've been here for so long now that I cannot return to the surface, lest my body would wither away. That's not to say that I don't want to return to the surface though. If anything, I would do anything to return there. I had friends, family. . . . sexual partners. Look, what I'm saying is that friendship is one of the most valuable things you could ever cherish. I urge you to consider making more friends instead of killing people just for the sake of it. Do you think you can do that for me?"

Adam was reminded of Alex Vega and how they had broke up over a phone call. He was also reminded of Megan Reed, who he had broken up with after an argument over who would get the last bowl of Crunchy Pirate Cereal. Perhaps he ought to mend at least one of those relationships.

"I'll think about it."

Before him was a heavenly staircase of marble that led back to the surface world. At the top of the stairs was Viktor Marchenko, throwing his head back and laughing evilly like an evil maniac, which I'm sure is totally in character with how he acted in the game. "You ludicrous fool! Now you will reap the ultimate consequences!"

"Viktor, you were the gatekeeper of Hell this whole time?"

"Yes, and you want to know an even bigger plot twist that will put M. Night Shyamalan to shame? That white parakeet that lured you here is my pet, thus it is actually I who am the mastermind!"

"No!"

"Yes! And you want to know an even bigger plot twist? I was a member of the Illuminati this whole time!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yes! And you want to know an even bigger plot twist? The Illuminati were working for demons this whole time, cause we're just _that_ evil!"

"Wait, but your pet parakeet said it was a demon. Doesn't that technically mean that the parakeet is still technically the mastermind? Wouldn't that make _you_ more like _its_ pet?"

Viktor got so butthurt that he ignored the question. "Goodbye, Adam Jensen." He pulled out a detonator and pressed a button.

Adam ran up the stairs as they exploded behind him like something out of a Michael Bay movie. His footing fell from beneath him just as he neared the ledge, but luckily he caught hold of it with his hands and pulled himself up into a familiar location.

It was the convention center in London.

Everything was coming full circle.


	10. Chapter 10: Assemblage of Awesomeness

**Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided**

 **Chapter 10: The Assemblage of Awesomeness**

Adam made sure to close the trapdoor to hell so that its precious heat wouldn't seep out and make global warming worse than it already was. He then turned around to find himself in a penthouse on one of the highest floors of the convention center, despite the fact that this floor had a trapdoor to hell, which paradoxically suggested close proximity to the center of the Earth. (Though to be fair, if you've read this far into the fic and _this_ is what bothers you out of all the inconsistencies, then I'm afraid you might need some serious psychological help.)

Viktor Marchenko stood in front of a large window overlooking London in all of its depressing yellow and orange hues. The demon parakeet, Belial, sat on his right shoulder like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, only Viktor was more like the parrot as far as this hierarchy was concerned.

"I think we all know how this is going to end," said Viktor.

Adam said, "Well if this is anything like a typical trollfic, it will end with everyone having an orgy so outrageous and explicit that it will cause the universe to implode, and then a disembodied voice will say 'Amen', or something along those lines."

"Come now, Adam. I know we've both committed a great many atrocities, but I doubt either of us would ever stoop _that_ low. No, we are two mortal men who have ascended to godhood. This is a divine battle of— Ow!"

The parakeet bit Viktor's ear. "Now's not the time for meaningless monologuing," said Belial in his deep voice. "I command you to remove this pest from my presence!"

Viktor straightened himself like a soldier before a drill sergeant. "Yes, master."

Adam's nanoblades ejected forth and he charged at Viktor with a manly roar, but Viktor grabbed the blades in his meaty hands.

Viktor chuckled. "Do you honestly believe you are going to lay a scratch on me with these box cutters?" He squeezed the blades, shattering them into zero pieces.

"No! " said Adam in disbelief.

"Face it Adam. You are obsolete. You are like the Windows 95 of the cyborg world, and I'm. . . . Whatever the latest version of Windows is. Not that I would know what that is. I've never been good with computers. Don't judge me!"

Adam belched in Viktor's face, hoping that the putrefaction of his breath would cause his face to melt, or at least make him vomit, anything, but no, it had no effect.

Viktor threw his head back and laughed. "Ha! That actually smells good compared to what I'm used to! Now it's my turn!" He produced a belch so loud it was deafening and earthshaking like the air horn of a barge and reeked of fermented diesel.

Adam opened his mouth wide and the antique cuckoo bird sprang forth towards Viktor's face along with a steady stream of vomit, but the vomit didn't bother Viktor and he seized the bird with lightning fast reflexes and snapped it free from its scissoring mechanism.

"What the hell do you think you are, a grandfather clock? You are even more obsolete than I expected!" Viktor pulled down his pants and a punching glove on an extending scissoring mechanism sprang forth from his enormous dickhole and sucker punched Adam in the stomach, sending him flying backwards into the stone bust of Caesar Seth from the album cover of Therion's Beloved Antichrist. The bust toppled off its stand and shattered into a bazillion pieces. (It looked really bored anyways.)

Frank McCallister was sitting in an armchair nearby while reading a National Geographic magazine with pictures of topless tribal women cause he couldn't afford legit naughty magazines. He put the magazine down and scowled at Adam. "Look what you did, ya little jerk!"

Adam whipped out a pistol. "You thought it was hilarious when that decoration fell on that old lady, right? Well how's this for karmic retribution!" He shot a Christmas tree decoration and it fell over on top of Frank, reducing him into cranberry sauce and sending his soul to Christmas heaven, which was like heaven only it was Christmas 24/7, which got really boring really fast.

Adam stood up and aimed his pistol at Viktor. If this boss was anything like the bosses he fought during the events of Deus Ex: Human Revolver, then he knew that it would take an ungodly amount of bullets to take him down. He fired several shots. All of them ricocheted off of Viktor's thicc body, but one of them did manage to hit the parakeet and reduce it into a puff of giblets and feathers.

Viktor gasped and stooped down to gather up the feathers and gore as though in some vain attempt on putting the bird back together. "No, master Belial!"

An animal rights activist materialized out of nowhere and pointed at Adam. "That's animal cruelty!"

"Well technically it was a demon and not an actual animal," said Adam matter-of-factly.

"It doesn't matter! You should be forced to worship the very image of animals!"

Adam and Viktor nodded in agreement and they both fired their unicorn blasters at the activist, reducing the subject of unspecified gender into a vast array of special snowflakes.

"At least we agree on one thing," said Viktor. "Now where was I? Oh yeah, kicking your ass." He lifted a refrigerator over his head. "You need to chill out!"

He threw the fridge at Adam and it bounced off his forehead, making him say "Ow" in the most unenthusiastic way possible before falling over.

The fridge landed in an upright position, the door flung open, and Alex Vega and old Indiana Jones tumbled out.

Adam gaped at Alex. "Alex Vega? What are you doing here?"

Alex pointed at Viktor. "I was kidnapped by that bionic brute!"

"What a stereotypically evil and sexist thing to do! And what are you doing here, Indie?"

Indiana Jones cracked his back. "I was trying to get out of a bad sequel, but it looks like I've ended up in an even worse fanfic. I'm getting too old for this crap."

"I was meaning to save those two as a snack for later," said Viktor, "but now I'm afraid they are going to have to be a part of the main course." He stepped forward, his heavy footsteps making the whole penthouse tremble.

Adam stepped in front of Alex. "You can take the old man, but the girl is mine!"

Indie threw up his hands. "Oh that's not discriminatory at all!"

Viktor chuckled again. "It's not like you have a say in the matter, Adam. You will never be able to beat me. I am more advanced than you in every way."

Adam had already given everything he had in terms of combat strategies and recycled jokes. It seemed that he had no way of beating him, but then he remembered how Hellfire Warhorse had encouraged him to make friends. It was then that he realized that he held the key to defeating Viktor after all. "Gratuitous cameos, assemble!"

Adam whipped out the bottle of Mr. Clean's All Purpose spray and squeezed the handle, unleashing Mr. Clean, who now reluctantly served Adam.

The joint smoking Shiba Inu appeared from a puff of weed smoke and dabbed. "BORK BORK, MUTHAF***AS!"

Pink puffs of perfume wafted out of Adam's nostrils and accumulated together to reform Pennywise. (So I guess Adam was possessed by Pennywise this whole time?)

Hellfire Warhorse trotted out of Hell's trapdoor and joined the roster.

"Hellfire?" asked Adam. "But what are you doing up here? Won't you disintegrate if you are not in hell?"

"Only if I stay up here for too long, but I don't plan on doing that. I'm going to make this quick like my ex-boyfriend."

Viktor shrugged. "What the hell do you guys think you are, some kind of second-rate Avengers?"

"You know what Viktor, you're right. I can't beat you by myself, but with the power of friends on my side I can overcome any obstacle!"

"Are you serious? That was so lame. It sounded like a last minute lesson from the end of a My Little Pony episode."

"Actually, I did learn that from a pony." Adam gave Hellfire a brofist.

Viktor face palmed. "You really have stooped to an all-time new low, and it is for this very reason that I stand justified in ending your life."

"Not if we end yours first!"

Mr. Clean rubbed his sponges against Viktor's already ugly man-face, permanently making it uglier than before.

Pennywise transformed into Viktor's most homophobic fears, paralyzing him with fear.

Indiana Jones whipped Viktor with his whip. "Bad! Be nice!"

Hellfire Warhorse turned around and kicked a hind foot through the air several times, producing astral horseshoes that hurled through the air towards Viktor, each and every one of them hitting him square in the bionic ball sack.

The Shiba Inu threw fidget spinners like shurikens at Viktor while all the meanwhile having his boombox blast the most obnoxious techno music. "TAKE THIS YOU CAILLOU LOOKING MUTHAF***A!"

An animal rights activist materialized out of nowhere and repeatedly stabbed Viktor in the stomach with a sharpened stick of celery.

Captain Marvel punched him in the face.

Alex punched him in the balls.

Thanos turned half of Viktor's family into dust before his very eyes just to make him feel sad.

Millennial Lex Luthor forcibly shoved Jolly Ranchers down Viktor's throat, making him cough and gag.

Dr. Diabetus flew in on his floating chair and pressed a button on his armrest. A gun came out of the bottom of his chair and shot Viktor with insulin needles. "Nobody escapes the wrath of Dr. Diabetus! Muhahahahahahahaha!"

Noctis and his friends hacked and slashed away at him with a fuster cluck of swords.

Jupiter Jones slapped a tampon on Viktor's face and shrugged.

Sora bludgeoned Viktor with a Deus Ex keyblade made out of nanomachines. "HOPE WE CAN FIND SOME INGREDIENTS AROUND HERE!"

Ultra Instinct Shaggy sucker punched Viktor in the stomach with only 1% of his power.

Kratos bashed him over the head with his angry maracas.

Wander climbed up Viktor's back as though he were some kind of colossus and then repeatedly stabbed a knife through a glowing glyph on the top of his head.

Some Mexican boy with horns called Ico ran in and started beating Viktor with an ugly stick.

The stained glass demon from Medievil (who I guess is not dead after all) came and smashed a framed window over his head, and then shook it about so that the shards of glass left on the frame would puncture his neck from every direction.

KOS-MOS fired homing lasers from her thicc robo abs. (She was channelling her anger from when Shion told her that she needed to go on a diet, not that you would be able to tell from her emotionless expression.)

Fei Fong Wong and all of his various incarnations punched and kicked him while spouting philosophical jargon.

Shulk tried to stab Viktor with the Monado, but he hadn't unlocked its true power yet, so it couldn't harm humans.

Buzzsaw Billy the Amish man pointed at Viktor. "Take this, you cyborg slut!" He held up a hand with the Ring of Solomon. It glowed with evil red energy and summoned hordes of demon dogs that mauled on Viktor's nether regions.

Adam punched Viktor so hard that his astral form flew out of his body, and then his astral form's astral form flew out of his body, followed by his astral form's astral form's astral form flying out of his body, and then Doctor Strange's astral form flew in and punched the astral form's astral form's astral form so hard it flew back and merged back into his astral form's astral form, and then the astral form's astral form merged back into his astral form, and then finally his astral form merged back into his body, leaving him weary as he stooped down to one knee.

"Go ahead, Adam. Kill me already."

Adam would've gladly killed him, but then he remembered how Hellfire Warhorse had encouraged him to not kill people just for the sake of it, so he figured he may as well go through with it for at least a couple of days before backsliding to his old ways just like everyone and their New Year's resolutions.

"I won't kill you, but I won't save you either."

Viktor raised an eyebrow. "Seriously, did you just quote Batman Begins just now?"

". . . . Maybe."

"What do you think you are? A second-rate Batman?"

"Second-rate Batman? That's a very funny way of saying first-rate Batman."

Superman flew in and punched Viktor so hard that he flew backwards, smashed through the window, narrowly avoided crashing through two towers, and landed in the parking lot of an elderly home, his body blowing up like a meat bomb and killing all of the innocent elderly people mere hours before they were expected to die of natural causes.

"Yes, I want MORE!" said Superman with much bloodlust as he flew away, intent on giving revenge to all of the villains who took advantage of his pacifist ways and played psychological mind games with him.

Alex stared at Adam with a dreamy look in her eyes. "Oh Adam, I'm so happy. I don't know what it is, but something about murdering bad guys is so romantic."

"You're still not mad at me for saying your hair looks like a bumblebee, are you?"

"No, it never actually bothered me. Besides, I recently found out that both my Patronus and my daemon are bumblebees, so it's actually quite fitting."

"Oh, well that's good, because I didn't mean to say any of that," Adam lied.

Adam and Alex locked their lips together and performed an awkward imitation of what we humans call 'a kiss', though it looked more like they were giving each other CPR. It was the hottest thing since the sex scenes in Ride to Hell: Retribution, which was to say that it was the complete opposite of hot.

Everyone else clapped as obligated by societal norms and not because they genuinely cared for this shipping, which all things considered was actually quite forced, but this was nothing new as far as fanfiction was concerned.

As for Viktor Marchenko, his soul ascended to hippo heaven where he was confronted by Moto Moto, who called him "Chunkier than an OG Xbox" and then proceeded to take him out on a date at gunpoint. (Actually I take that back. It wasn't hippo heaven. It was hippo hell.)

And London was still ignorant as to who actually blew up those residential homes.

Dumbkind would forever be . . . Dumbvided.

 **That's all folks!**


End file.
